On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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