the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
