mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
