Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
