around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
