Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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