What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
