my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
