drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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