drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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