Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
