first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
