and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
