Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
