I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
