I think my vagina is haunted
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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