Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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