don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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