Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
