guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
