My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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