Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
