and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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