Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
