I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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