You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
