ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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