I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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