I'm really into asian looking animals
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
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