I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
