Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
