I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
