She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
