I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
