We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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