that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
