i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
barbara walters just said penis...
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
and she was petting her beer can
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
