Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
