Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
