Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
