I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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