Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
