after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
we're making bets on your personal life
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
