How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
dude i'm inner monologue high
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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