She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
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I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
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He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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