I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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