Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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