umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
