could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
