I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
