Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I party with great urgency now.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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