I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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