So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
