Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i think my mom watched the whole time
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
