Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
