hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
