nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
