Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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