This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
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Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
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You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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