Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
