i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
