i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
