So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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