You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
