If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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