I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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